Dear States of Australia,

I have come to the recent but inescapable conclusion that you have been living in lovely, temperate weather patterns for too long. Yes, you boil come Summer every year, but you know what, SHUT THE FRACK UP YOU DON'T GET SNOWED ON.

As such, I have seen it fit to commence weeks of much fuckery with you. Since I finished with the UK the other day, and my 5000 piece puzzle of a rainforest last night, I've been bored.

Terms and Conditions:

Queensland: You will drown. Period. You will be hot and sticky and wet, as always, but I've been on a huge video game high lately so from now on I'm going to make you row a dinghy to work as you attempt to avoid crocodiles. Also, I'll take a few hundred of your houses. Ta.

New South Wales: ALL ABOUT THE MIND GAMES, BABY. 45C on Monday. 14C on Wednesday. Rain on Tuesday. A few thunderstorms for Thursday. Should you take your jumper? What about your raincoat? Longsleeves? Shorts? Thongs or shoes? MWA HA HA HA HA! This is going to be too much fun. (Also, just a friendly heads-up, you should save yourselves some money and fire all your weathermen. They won't be worth shit for a few weeks to come. Particularly that one on Ten. But he's a douchebag all the time so fire him anyway.)

Australian Capital Territory: Somehow you have managed to create your own weather independent of the South Walers. For that, I will give you a year off.

Victoria: BURN, BABY, BURN. No, I didn't order a fire on your ass - that was your own fracked up selves that lit those. But you know what, in an attempt to remove said assholes, I'm gonna heat your winds up a few degrees for fun. I also like the look of Central Australia this time of year. Maybe I can be even more of an moron and try and emulate that a little further south...

Northern Territory: You get fucked every year. Things will remain so.

Western Australia: You are too big and I haven't had my morning shower yet so I can't be bothered screwing with you right now. I will PM you later.

Tasmania: Oh my God, you've already dug yourselves out of the snow? Shite. Well, I didn't expect that till mid-April, so... hang tight.

See y'all in Autumn.

Much love,

The Weather